Disoriented moment

I feel so disoriented today. I am not even sure if today existed. I am talking bout Tuesday the 14th May. Woke up feeling totally under the weather. With a heavy head I dragged myself to work, only to get stuck in a horrible jam. No reason, just slow traffic and stand still at a junction. Upon rushing to meet wawa, we had discussions on how to further improvise points for a proposal, which is not supposedly done by me - or rather by my company. But boss insist, slave have to oblige.

Then it was off to lunch, and crazily rushing over to a client place. We were late of course. The discussion went on and by the time we are done - it was an hour of traffic bumper to bumper. With the rainy weather, a tired mind and adrenaline to rush back to JB office to finish a presentation didn't quite help. The matter of fact that one has to drive 4 hours and to finish a presentation by 10pm immediately upon arrival at the office wasn't a spendid idea. But, one still has to do it

To throw in a consolation price, received some news while whisking my way back south. It was not a neutral call but one that was filled with voice of disappointment. I totally don the situation. There were questions popping. There weren't concrete answers. Then a silence brewed over. Is that all that can be done? I absolutely have no clue but only to present my supporting shoulder and ears. Sad none the less.

Upon arrival, there was the acceleration mode to complete the last task of the day. The task of completing a proposal in a quiet work environment. There was an eerie feeling that resonates with the bug outside the window. The aircond has stopped, only quiet buzzing sounds from the lighting transformer. Alone. Weird. I had a minute of silence just to ask myself, why the hardwork and commitment? Gotten no answer. Continued and send the update 10min before 10pm. An achievement. I congratulate myself and decided to hit the loo before departing home

The grand prize of course was to see my favorite Burberry belt buckle fall onto the ground, with no apparent reason. He decided to just break apart, detaching himself from the leather strap. So there you go, I am just uncannily disoriented. It felt like I was struck by a heavy bolt of bad omens. with a tired mind, and an almost unbreakable temper ... I barely made it home with a comfort heart. Am utterly amazed that I still can post. 

Life getting tough

I find my life very interesting. I do not know how others find theirs, but mine is filled with ups and downs. On occasions I think that I am all grown, mature in braving the ever-volatile corporate world, then there are times I behave just like a selfish spoiled brat.

Today as I drove to work, I ask myself why am I still in Johor? What was the driving factor that pushed an urban boy right into the heart of unknown, south, small quiet town? It was definitely not the magnetic Singapore nor it was the prospectus job offer or was it? Back then, what I got as an offer was definitely a taker. But in today’s expectation of deliverables and also the total revenue my portfolio brings in, I ask myself why did I sign up for a job, that is a two person’s job

No matter what I did, or how I do it – my immediate report have this weird look in her eyes. I am confident from day one, she will not be someone whom I like working with. Her more passive and nice approach, demeanor meant only a good. I needed someone aggressive, structured and more demeaning in a professional way. She utterly proves me right today when in a discussion, hinted that I only complain most of the time.

I guess it hurts a lil, probably a tiny cat-scratch that with all the achievement I have reportedly achieve in such a notice, it is never satisfying or recognized. I benchmark recognition with reward, both unpleasantly generic. So finally it took a toll. A human can only handle that much of unwanted stress. How can others look up to you but when it comes to your own report, looks weirdly at you.

I had decided to scout for greener field. Although I want to stay a little longer, but I reason – there is almost no point. With the amount of workload, and the diversion from my intended career goal – I need to find a structure environment and a seasoned boss who appreciates my input in the manner where I am credited for my achievement.

My only inner conflict is the battle for balance, culture shock and readiness to trade off my comfort zone. Nothing beats a company that you have build reputation, but nothing beats a challenging and constantly emotionally draining reputation.

Definitions

Tired. The only thing I can feel now is this. Whatever situation or condition that I am in is now diverted into just being fatigue. I am no longer able to be responsive, no longer being able to react and most likely no longer being able to live by it.

Sick. Is the feeling I am encountering each day now. Whether it is friends, flings, dates, love, work or even families, I can no longer differentiate whether I am sick of dealing with the issues or whether I am just tired from all the issues?

When you combine both sick and tired. Most of the time the only answer from formulation you get is fucked. This fucked, is when you no longer have an aim, objective and drive. You cannot live in the moment, you are restless for the future or plans upcoming and you definitely forget any past that is important in creating the good in you today.

Am I fucked?

Fucked. The stand still one has in life without any meaning to move on, to develop and to learn grow teach at the same time. The black out and dark void one sees in his vision, hearing, perception and aid. The greatness in one suppressed for an empty expectation for comfort or contentment result. The obligation to live only for the wrong reasons.

I am fucked